🧠 The Big Idea

Estimated Read Time: 4 Minutes

When You Can’t Change It, Change What It Means

The one thing you can control that shapes everything else

By Ryan Standifird
Mind Power Managing Editor

Your team blows the lead in the final seconds.

A loved one does things their way in your home… not yours.

A doctor gives a diagnosis that changes your family’s life.

What do these three moments have in common?

None of them are yours to control.

And yet, how often do we spend our energy trying anyway?

The Four Things You Can Control

Centerpointe's late founder, Bill Harris, taught that you'll never be able to control other people or all of the events in your life.

But there are four things that are always under your control:

1. How you feel

2. How you behave

3. Which people and situations you attract or become attracted to

4. What meanings you assign to what happens in life

I've come to believe that the fourth one does the most work.

That's because the meaning you assign to something shapes how you feel about it. And how you feel shapes how you behave… and on down the line.

Meaning is the steering wheel.

The Science of Meaning

Nearly 2,000 years ago, the Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote that people aren't disturbed by things, but by their opinions about things.

Science has been catching up with him ever since.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin looked at survey data from 28,753 American adults, then checked death records over the next eight years.

The result?

People who reported a lot of stress and believed that stress was harming their health had a 43% higher risk of premature death.

Stress was part of the picture. But so was the meaning those people gave it.

Researchers at Stanford found something similar inside the brain. When people looked at upsetting images and then deliberately reinterpreted them by giving them a different meaning, activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm center, went down.

Same image. Same brain. Different meaning. Different response.

So, what does this look like in real life?

Meaning in Real Life

I'm a Los Angeles Chargers fan, born and raised (though for most of my life they were the San Diego Chargers). Which means I've watched my team look unstoppable… and then lose at the last moment more times than I can count.

This year, I surprised my dad for Father's Day with tickets to go watch them play in Seattle against the reigning Super Bowl champs. It was the first NFL game we'd gone to together in about 30 years.

They had a chance to tie it up with a minute left in the game… but they lost.

And we had a great time anyway. Because the meaning of that trip was never the score. 

It was spending time with my dad.

Here’s another example:

My in-laws stay with us for a month or more at a time to help with the boys, and they grandparent differently than I parent. More sweets and snacks. Fewer "no's." I came downstairs one morning to find my 2-year-old with a cookie in his hand and chocolate all over his face at 10 a.m.

Cookies so early? I was raised to save sweets for after dinner… and only if I finished my vegetables. 

My first instinct was to throw away all the junk food that had accumulated in our pantry over the month. But I can't control how my in-laws grandparent. I can only control what it means to me. And when I look for the reason behind what they do, it's always the same: 

They love the boys and want them to be happy.

That's enough for me to let it go.

And here’s one of the biggest lessons on meaning I’ve been learning lately:

When my son Jack was diagnosed with autism, I saw it as a barrier. Something that would make his life harder, and something our whole family would have to adjust our lives around.

And for a while, some things did come harder. Like talking.

But with therapy and incredible support, Jack has become a chatterbox. And I've watched other things come easily to him. Jack is about to turn 4, and he can already read most of a book he's never seen before on his very first try. And he can remember things - like the names of fish and sea creatures - better than I can.

The diagnosis didn't change.

The meaning did.

Today, I see it as a gift: a unique way of seeing the world, and skills that can become real advantages if we nurture them.

What It All Comes Down To

A game I lost, but could still enjoy.

A cookie I couldn't stop, but could let go of.

A diagnosis I couldn't change, but could see differently.

In every case, the event stayed the same. What changed was the meaning I chose.

You probably have something similar in your own life right now. Something you've been gripping tightly, trying to control.

Even if you may not be able to change it, you can always change what it means to you.

And that can make all the difference.

💡 Check it Out!

Celebrate 37 Years With Our $37 Suite Sale!

Ends Wednesday, October 21

Bill's four things are always yours to control. And when you can't change what's happening around you, the next best move is choosing where to put your attention.

That's what our Holosync Suites are made for. Each one focuses Holosync on a single area of your life, from calm and confidence to sleep, memory and breaking old patterns, so your practice goes right where you need it most.

To celebrate Centerpointe's 37th anniversary, you can choose any one suite for just $37.

The sale ends this Wednesday, October 21. 

You can't change everything. But you can choose where to begin.

⏱️ 60 Second Reset

The "What Else Could This Mean?" Reset

Remember the Stanford study in Ryan's essay? Giving an upsetting moment a different meaning quieted the brain's alarm center. You can practice that in about a minute.

The next time something goes sideways (a canceled plan, a long line, a comment that stings), try this:

Pause and take one slow breath. Let your shoulders drop on the way out.

Name what happened in plain facts. Not the story. Just the event. "The appointment got moved."

Ask yourself: "What else could this mean?" Then name one other possible meaning. It doesn't have to be the right one. It just has to be another one. "Now I have a free afternoon."

Notice how your body feels now. Even a small shift counts.

That's the reset. You didn't change what happened. You gave your brain a second way to see it.

✍️ Forwarded by: MaryEllen

The Freedom No One Can Take

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

-Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl wrote this after surviving the concentration camps of World War II. He had lost nearly everything. And still, he found the one thing no one could take from him.

Most of what we face is much smaller. A lost game. A cookie at 10 a.m. Some things are much bigger.

But the freedom is the same size every time.

You can't always choose what happens. You can choose what you carry forward.

-ME

🤣 Mindful Meme of the Week

📣 Your Opinion Matters!

Which of Bill's four is hardest for you to control?